So this post was meant to include my Trip Report (Wednesday Post) but instead something happened today which I feel is more important to address.
I mean this blog is called “My Life” so it’s only fair talk about the ups and downs of everything.
So for those of you that don’t know I’ve been taking part in an MTTSNG challenge on stars in which I was backed for.
Unfortunately today that ended, largely due to a misunderstanding with my backer.
Just to cut in, I didn’t scam him, I didn’t break any rules etc.
For general privacy I’m not going to go into the exact details right now, I don’t think I come off as a terrible person at all and I’m not trying to hide anything. Maybe in the future I’ll release the details but for now I’m not going to.
So I’m not in a financial situation where I can be rolled for the games I was playing, 2.5 ABI stars (I’d want like 400-500 ABI’s, probs more tbh). Maybe I’m not even winning, who knows.
All in all this isn’t coming at a terrible time for me. Maybe I need a break, also, I’ve been against a lot of the changes stars have made for a long time and I feel the way they are dealing with a lot of things currently is extremely unprofessional and unethical.
As a result I don’t plan to play anymore on Pokerstars, even though it’s likely one of the most constructive places to learn/play/improve as a player I don’t want to give them anymore of my rake, I’ve had enough.
“So what are the plans now”
To actually take a break from playing and hopefully come back with a fresher, more stable and motivated mindset. I have no idea how long the break will be but I’ll be studying poker during it.
I feel I’m likely going to switch to cash with university coming up too but again, who knows.
I’ve already talked about balance a bunch of times in this particular blog and even though I was only grinding MTTSNGs for maybe 2-3 hours a day and being able to work and fit other things in, I still wasn’t really happy. It was just a chore to me.
I think if/when I do come back to poker I’ll only be playing when I really feel like it and not force myself to meet volume goals and to put unnecessary pressure on myself, I’ll likely have enough of that with my degree so I don’t want poker to turn into this thing I “need” to do.
This is likely going to be pretty boring for a lot of you to read and you’re going to roll your eyes but I thought it would be talk about how “My Life” is right now.
Right now I’m just a bit blurgh. I’m just floating through life and not in the good way. I feel pretty down and in all honesty I really can’t wait to just go off to university.
I’m just stuck at home working on and off with no real goals. I’m not really excited by anything currently. A lot of the people in my area who are my age only really drink and do drugs which I’m not a fan of so I find myself spending a lot of time on my own.
Currently I just feel pretty bad at a lot of things. I’m likely not that great at poker even though I’ve invested a fair bit of time in it. I’ve just lost the last 5 games of chess I’ve played.
(I realise this is all stuff that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme but right now it’s wearing me down).
I’m not really doing much with my free time as of now, I’m not even sure what I could be doing when I’m just in effective isolation in the countryside with my family (who are all stressed with all the building work, my sister is clinically depressed too so that’s been a hard thing to take on too).
I’m doing an engineering degree in September but with no idea about if I’m actually good enough, I was pretty lazy this year with studying which I’m also regretting.
All in all I feel pretty worthless and that I’m not really or ever have been actually good at something. I’ve always been pretty average at most things I’ve done in life and that’s never bothered me in the past but right now it really really does.
I don’t know if formulating some kind of time table is a good idea but to me that just seems like I’d go back into this “forced to do things mindset” which leads to me being upset anyway.
I know I need to be more proactive about a lot of things in life but I don’t have much ambition currently. I don’t want the days to drift away but I’m letting it happen right in front of my eyes.
I know I have people around me who are happy to support me but I don’t even know how they can be supportive.
Idk if any of you can relate to this or have any advice but it would be greatly appreciated.
One thing I think I’m going to do a lot more is go for more runs, it should hopefully help relieve some stress and make me feel better.
it’s naff your feeling that way Tom. Poker is a tough old game maybe as you said this has come at the right time and you need the break from it. We all do at somepoint.
As for the other things going on with you atm, I can relate. This year has been probably the toughest for me and is still ongoing. Everyday is a struggle. Your still young, make university your focus. It will be what you make it. there’s no such thing as not being good enough. You put your mind to it you’ll do well and get the most out of it. I’m pretty sure you’ll make heaps of new friends too. University is awesome so I’m sure that will be the turning point for you.
Just make sure, while your feeling like that you have people in your life or around you that can make you smile or that you can talk to. can’t express the importance of that enough. Sometimes that’s all you need.
Anyway keep ur head up your still young got your whole life ahead of you, no responsibilities or anything, effectively you can do anything you want.
You have my Skype if you need sum1 to vent to.
Cheers all, the bigger picture is always important, it’s just easy to get down from time to time and care about the things that in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter.
Btw chip, pretty witty joke, for your standards anyway.